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Marriage Counseling Expert Advises “Don’t Find Fault, Find a Remedy”

Publish Date : 10/2/2006 2:34:00 PM Source : Travel and Hotels News Onlypunjab.com

Constant criticism from a controlling spouse can lead to marriage separation or divorce, says marriage counseling coach Nancy Wasson, Ph.D. “But it doesn’t have to,” she advises. “If you have a critical, controlling spouse, you just have to devise an effective strategy for coping.”
Dr. Wasson states that the toxic effects of repeated criticism accumulate over time, commonly resulting in a downward slide toward marriage separation and divorce. Often the criticism is part of a larger pattern of controlling behavior by one spouse. And a critical and controlling husband or wife combined with a passive spouse is a recipe for a time bomb that often explodes months or years later in the unhappy marriage.

“You can handle the criticism before marriage separation becomes an issue,” according to Wasson, “by answering a few questions.” She suggests spouses ask themselves:

• Do you often feel that your controlling husband or wife criticizes you unfairly?
• Do you feel that your mate consistently looks for nit-picking things to criticize?
• Do you feel that your controlling spouse routinely criticizes you for things that have been blown out of proportion or are beyond your control?

Dr. Wasson says if a spouse answers “yes” to at least one of these statements, he or she may be living with a partner who finds it easier to find fault than to praise. “If you’re already doing your best to please your mate, this may feel like a “no-win” situation,” states Wasson.

So what can a spouse do? How can a troubled mate live in harmony with an overly-critical partner who doesn’t think that he (or she) is being unfair?

Dr. Wasson suggests the following ten tips to help a spouse devise a strategy to cope with the excess negative energy from the partner:

1. Try to listen without getting defensive. Hear your spouse out and let him (or her) say what’s on his mind.
2. Even though you may be thinking “Here we go again—same old gripes,” keep an open mind to the possibility that there may be a different twist this time.
3. Recognize that your spouse’s perceptions are different from yours. Launching a direct attack to convince her that she’s off-base will almost always fail.
4. Resist the urge to counter criticism with criticism in return. That will only add fuel to the fire and ensure that negative feelings will escalate.
5. Consider whether your spouse is making any valid points that you need to look at. It’s all-too-easy to get upset and decide that the criticism is off-base and miss the part of the criticism that may be valid.
6. Work on not taking the criticism so personally, even though it’s directed at you. But your spouse may really be irritated at herself but instead take her feelings out on you by throwing barbs of criticism in your direction.
7. Realize that just because your spouse criticizes you doesn’t mean you have to let that determine your mood or spoil your day. Your spouse can’t “make you feel bad” without your consent.
8. Schedule a time to talk with your spouse about your reactions to the constant criticism. Say that it’s discouraging and could negatively affect your passion and sexual relationship.
9. Write your spouse a letter outlining your concerns about the damage that constant criticism could do to your feelings of love and emotional intimacy. Say something positive about your spouse before you state your concerns that frequent criticism could hurt the marriage. Last, end by making more positive remarks and sharing how much you love your spouse and value your relationship.
10. Ask your spouse to go to marriage counseling with you. Say that you need to take care of some emotional debris that is accumulating for you in the marriage.

Nancy Wasson, Ph.D., is the creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner: What to Do if Your Mate Says You're Too Controlling OR if You're Tired of Being Controlled, available at www.ControllingSpouse.com.

She has been a Licensed Professional Counselor for more than twenty years. Dr. Wasson coaches couples in unhappy marriages and provides immediate help through the privacy of telephone and email consultations.

In addition, she is the co-author of "Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says 'I Don't Love You Anymore!' " and offers a free weekly marriage advice newsletter at www.KeepYourMarriage.com.

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