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Marriage Advice: Retaliation Affair Only Makes Things Worse

Publish Date : 10/16/2006 1:03:00 PM Source : Travel and Hotels News Onlypunjab.com

It’s not unusual for a spouse whose partner has had a sexual affair to have a “get even” or “retaliation affair”, according to marriage counseling expert Nancy Wasson, Ph.D. And there are numerous negative consequences leading to marriage separation and divorce.
“The feelings of betrayal and the emotional pain caused by a marriage affair are devastating,” says Wasson. “The spouse may want to hurt the cheating husband or wife like she (or he) has been hurt,” she states. In such an unhappy marriage, the get-even marital affair may be planned out in advance in some cases as a deliberate way to get revenge and cause pain to the partner.

In other cases, the betrayed spouse confides in a sympathetic friend or co-worker and ends up becoming involved in an emotional affair with that person, which may eventually result in sexual infidelity. There are other situations where the spouse impulsively picks up someone in a bar and has a one-night stand.

Wasson summarizes, “The affair or one-night stand results from a combination of feelings—betrayal, shock, outrage, grief, hurt, numbness, the desire for revenge, and the feeling that being faithful doesn’t matter anymore now that the partner has crossed the line.”

The betrayed spouse wants to “even the score,” to seek comfort and solace in someone else’s arms, and to prop up self-esteem and feelings of being sexually desirable.

There’s also the feeling on the part of the betrayed spouse that the partner can’t say anything about the retaliation affair because he or she did the same thing. There’s also often the feeling that the “get even affair” is the fault of the partner who had the first affair, and he (or she) gets the blame for everything that has happened.

The betrayed spouse may tell the partner: “This is all your fault. If you hadn’t had the affair that you did, none of this would have happened.” He (or she) may be unwilling to accept any responsibility for what has taken place, and he may become mired in blame.

Dr. Wasson states, “This, of course, is a cop-out. Each person is always responsible for individual choices and decisions.”

While it’s easy to understand how a retaliation or get even affair can happen, it can be difficult to stop divorce and save the marriage, according to Wasson. The relationship dynamics were already complicated and messy, and now they are even more so.

Dr. Wasson asserts that a retaliation affair only makes an unhappy marriage worse. Here are several reasons why:

1.    When the original affair took place, there was already one person too many in the marriage relationship—now there are two people too many, with all of the complications and complexity that brings with it. The marriage problems are compounded when this happens.

2.    The outside person who has been drawn into the retaliation affair is likely to end up feeling used and taken advantage of when the dust settles. And using someone else sexually never produces the kind of energy that you want to invite into your life. Plus, afterwards there can be lingering guilt and regret.

3.    Engaging in a “get even fling” will only drive a bigger wedge between you and your partner and make it harder for you to address the real problems in the marriage. It will also serve as a diversion from focusing on the deeper, underlying issues.

4.    The retaliation affair or one night stand offers only temporary escape from the pain and distress. When the brief interlude is over, the heartache is still there. There’s no getting around the fact that “You take yourself with you wherever you go.” The temporary escape won’t bring you lasting happiness or joy.

Nancy Wasson, Ph.D., is the creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner: What to Do if Your Mate Says You’re Too Controlling OR if You’re Tired of Being Controlled, available at http://www.ControllingSpouse.com.

She has been a Licensed Professional Counselor for more than twenty years. Dr. Wasson coaches couples in unhappy marriages and provides immediate help through the privacy of telephone and email consultations.

In addition, she is the co-author of “Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says ‘I Don’t Love You Anymore!’ ” and offers a free weekly marriage advice newsletter at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com.

Onlypunjab.com

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