“Often a controlling spouse dominates the relationship and the other partner is more passive,” according to Dr. Wasson. In this case the power and decision-making is out of balance.

While it’s impossible to avoid all control conflict in a relationship states Dr. Wasson, in marriages with significant control issues, the consequent dynamics can be unhealthy and can breed resentment and emotional distancing.

The result is an unhealthy situation where controlling behavior in one spouse is countered with passivity by the partner.

According to Dr. Wasson, ten reasons couples need to be concerned if they have unresolved control problems in their marriage are:

1.    Control issues set up a parent-child relationship or dictatorship in the marriage. This shows a lack of trust and respect for the partner’s feelings, preferences, and judgment.

2.    Relationships based on “one-up-man-ship” are constructed on the “winner-loser” model. This isn’t what a spouse wants to have in a healthy relationship. It’s better to create a “win-win” model.

3.    The “winner” of the control struggle is viewed as “strong,” while the “loser” is viewed as “weak.” This dynamic isn’t helpful to a relationship. It tears down the feeling of closeness and intimacy between a couple instead of building it up.

4.    Stifling individuality and freedom runs the risk of smothering and stifling the very things that a spouse should value most—the partner and the marriage. When one person makes the majority of the decisions, new ideas and honest feelings and reactions are suppressed.

5.    Control issues contribute to increasing the anger, resentment, and bitterness in the relationship. This is the natural spin-off of feeling disrespected or controlled by someone else.

6.    One partner thinking the mate should be just like him (or her) harms the relationship, as does viewing the mate as an extension of oneself. This squelches individuality and freedom and keeps the mate from living up to his or her potential.

7.    Passive partners often become passive-aggressive when they are in a relationship with a more controlling husband or wife. This gets in the way of honest, direct communication. They “forget” to keep a promise to the spouse or conveniently sabotage the spouse’s efforts in some way.

8.    An overly controlling spouse sets up dynamics in the relationship that encourage the more passive partner to sneak around and hide things rather than risk confrontation. For example, a passive spouse may secretly phone a friend who she (or he) knows the partner doesn’t want her to have any contact with.

9.    Control conflict in a marriage encourages the game of “catch me if you can.” In this game, the passive partner tries to defy or get around the rules of the controlling spouse. This can become a game of sorts within the relationship.

10.    Unexpressed anger and resentment accumulate, and eventually the passive mate may rebel and decide there’s nothing to lose by becoming defiant or ending the marriage. This brings out the controlling tendency of the spouse even more, and his (or her) efforts to control the “rebellion” make things worse.

Wasson continues, “Trying to control your mate—actions, thoughts, feelings—will always boomerang eventually and will have a harmful effect on your relationship.”

Nancy Wasson, Ph.D., is the creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner: What to Do if Your Mate Says You’re Too Controlling OR if You’re Tired of Being Controlled, available at www.ControllingSpouse.com.

She has been a Licensed Professional Counselor for more than twenty years. Dr. Wasson coaches couples in unhappy marriages and provides immediate help through the privacy of telephone and email consultations.

In addition, she is the co-author of “Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says ‘I Don’t Love You Anymore!’ ” and offers a free weekly marriage advice newsletter at www.KeepYourMarriage.com.