Every bride looks forward to this ultimate bonding with her loved one. As she feels pulsating excitement at the prospect of this close encounter, many a bride is intimidated at the prospect of losing her virginity. The thought of a stranger ( in most arranged marriages) fostering such intimacy which unnerves her.

The bride thus faces first marital night with mixed emotions. She looks forward to being the ideal sexual partner, reciprocating every move her husband makes. But she must realize that she too has every right to experience sexual bliss. In fact, an ideal sexual encounter is one, which satisfies both man woman and is a culmination of adequate foreplay and arousal…she must not be afraid to voice her needs and allow her to relax to the gentle touch of her lover. Only then will she be aware of the movements and positions that lead her to an orgasm.

Rape in the marriage?

Sex and marriage are the most vulnerable aspects of human life and closely related to each other. The Indian culture considers sex before marriage immoral, illegal and illegitimate. Even after marriage, sex with only the married partner is regarded as moral, ethical and legal. This moral structure has been created to discipline one’s sexual behavior and to protect the woman from being sexually assaulted or abused. Her husband, her marital status and this moral structure act like a protective shield around the woman.

Paradoxically, marriage often becomes a breeding ground for this very assault. When a woman experiences rape within a marriage, the trauma is not for the world to see. Though it does not happen with all women, all the time, forced sex has no provision to shout for help. Law does not see this as a crime and as one is committed in matrimony for a lifetime, it may happen throughout one’s life. Does rape truly occur within a marriage? To understand the strong possibility of it happening, the bride must acquaint herself with the basic difference in male and female sexuality.

Male and Female Sexuality – What’s the difference?

Male sexuality is body-oriented. A man who gets sexually attracted to women need not be in love with her. It is this aspect that makes men frequent brothels or take keen interests in advertisements, movies and magazines that display the woman’s anatomy. A woman’s sexuality is related to her heart, the center of thought, feeling and emotion. Most women harbor sexual feelings for the man only when they love him. A handsome hunk may draw her attention but his machismo may not be enough for her to get sexually attracted to the man.

It has been said a man gives love to get sex while a woman gives sex to get love. There is no doubt that men too can be sensitive lots and love is a need for both. Quite a few men would bear a female sexuality making them emotional. Likewise, some women may carry a male sexuality. As a bride comprehends this paradox, she will understand the persistent need of a man to have sex, while she would be satisfied by a mere cuddle. A strong emotional foundation and a good amount of empathy could nip any problems in the bud.

Agony and Ecstasy of the first night

Long before the union takes place, the bride must get to know her prospective groom. Frequent meetings, dinner outings, a sharing of feelings, doubts, likes and dislikes can bring the couple closer. Unfortunately, arranged marriages often leave little room for such contact. Such marriages are merely an arrangement reached between two well-suited families, to keep up a tradition.

Armed with the legal and moral permission to have sex with his wife, a man with his body-oriented sexuality often disregards his bride’s feelings and state of mind and with a false sense of bravado ends up forcing sex on her on the first night. The woman who ends up feeling awkward, uncomfortable and exploited, allows this humiliation, as orthodoxy has taught her to be a meek, submissive and tolerant. For the seeds of love to be sown, pain and conflicts have to be weeded out.

Very often, the couple is utterly exhausted at the end of an elaborate wedding ceremony. Both are strangers to each other and are often ignorant about the sexual experience. Men carry the burden of anxiety about their sexual performance. Girls have fears about the pain, the rupturing of the hymen, and the resultant bleeding, during their first sexual encounter.

There is also the fear of pregnancy. At the same time, both strongly feel that they have to live up to the first night fantasies depicted in novels and movies. With so many uncertainties and anxieties, it becomes impossible for a couple to enjoy one of the most profound experiences of their life.

If the couple is not familiar to each other, they should avoid sexual intercourse on the first night. It is the couple’s own decision and postponement. The couple should postpone their first sexual intercourse, till both of them are physically and emotionally relaxed, instead of rushing into a messy act.

They lose nothing. In fact, they may gain a great deal of mutual love and respect, which can then become the foundation of a happy married life. The secret to bliss is a deep understanding of each other’s needs, leading to closeness so exciting that sex seems the most natural thing in the world. The bride can play a major role in influencing her husband’s mind by keeping the communication free and frank.

She must open herself to erotic sensations, wake up all her senses and follow her innate bodily reactions and instincts and not be influenced by fantastic ideas of liberating her libido. Such an act involves the mind, body and soul and creates irresistible magnetism between the partners.

If rigidity gives away to initiative, sex will be wonderful, sensuous act and she will be left with ecstasy never felt before.

Content compiled from New Woman (May 2002)